Comments are ON

A friend of mine sent me an email asking me why my 'allow comments' wasn't on for this blog. The reason was comment spam. Can't stand it. So I'm doing a little experiment here. I've turn on commenting, and the word verification that requires you put in the malformed 'prove you're a human' word to post. We'll see if it works.

This bachelor thing...

You know, being a middle aged bachelor is in some ways just weird. I've been divorced for over 7 years now and, although still single, I wonder why. Well, maybe not all that much. I'm sure if I really wanted to be in a committed relationship or married again, I could be. And it's not like I haven't had girlfriends since being single again (even a serious one, or two). But it just never seems to jell.

I think the reasons some of us (well, me at least) stay single is one of three things.
First, I wonder, as we get older, if we just get used to the being alone. You know, get set in our ways. I like my space. I like being neat, but in a cluttery way. I like having a laptop on a little stand hooked to the internet via wifi in the john. I have a REALLY big cable running from the third floor of my house (and some equipment there) down the staircases to my basement where it's hooked into some more equipment, and that works for me. I like smoking my pipe. I like having a computer, mixer and big black (some would say 'phallic') studio monitors in the living room as my stereo/streaming audio station. I like fast cars. I like the little data center in my basement. (I could go on, but you get the idea). Hell, I'm a guy. It's a 'this is my cave and I like it that way' kind of thing. I eat at odd hours. I sleep when I'm tired and work when I'm awake (which can mean I'm up at 3am and it's, well, normal). You just can't do that if you're not alone. Call it 'the lifestyle' reason.

The second reason, I suspect, has to do with addiction. Or, in my case, the fear of addiction. Being a recovering alcoholic (I've been in AA for 24 years now) I'm REALLY careful about anything that feels like addiction. I have to be in major pain just to take an aspirin... anything that's mood altering is suspect. what sparked an understand of this is when I saw a study recently that compared someone's MRI scan's when they were shown a picture of the person they were 'madly in love with' to a heroin addicts MRI. Identical. The same areas of the brain become highly active when you're minds eye see's the love of your life, and when you shoot up. I often wonder if this is one of the reasons I'm still single. The feeling of being in love has alot of similarities to drug and alcohol addiction. My subconscious senses it and slows it down. Call this one "the remaining free of addiction for reasons that aren't very logical" reason.

This, by the way, is something of a bullshit reason. But it’s also a visceral reaction on my (or any recovering drunks) part. One I’ve only really begun to understand fairly recently. So, maybe, we can take that one out of the running as it becomes better understood and within the conscious mind instead of lurking down there deep in the subconscious.

The third reason, and I think this is the most common, has to do with The List. You know the list... 'the person I'm looking for has these traits... 1, 2, 3...' and down the list you go. This list get's REALLY long as you age. And it becomes more difficult as time passes to find 'the one' that fits that list (or even some of it). Women, I suspect, do this more than men (make a list) but we do it too. Women, also, I'd bet, compromise more than men do on that list. Maybe I'm way off base on that last comment, but there's no doubt women are the more balanced and reasonable (as a group, although I've known some individuals that wouldn't fit the bill) of the sexes. Call this the 'ever lengthening list of traits I’m looking for' reason.

When we’re younger, and our list is shorter, we find ourselves with someone that's close to fitting the list, or reasonably close. And even though we may not be 'happy' (whatever happy really means in a relationship), we stay. Even as, over time, they change, we change, the list gets longer and the differences become wide and deep. Sometimes we stay because of money and material comforts we'd lose if we didn't stay. Often it's because of children (a good reason). Many of my middle aged male friends get divorced 'once the kids are gone'. And it's not to run off and find some 25 year old blonde babe. It's more often their wifes divorcing them. They've given 20 years of their life to this man and these children and, damn it, it's their turn. But men do it too (and some do buy a motorcycle and hit the bar scene, but less then you’d suspect).

If you've remained friends over that time, it works. But if you've lost that friendship part of the relationship, I think it's doomed long term.

I have many friends, and many more acquaintances. Some are women, some are men. Some I've known for decades. Back before I was married, some of the women would, from time to time, become lovers, then not, but still friends I wonder why those never turned into more. Some almost did... but one of those three reasons (or sometimes two or all three) would kick in and keep me single. Sometimes it was them evoking one of the three reasons.

Ahh.. who the hell knows.

Someday it’ll happen, and it’ll be because I’m not worried about it or actively gearing my life toward looking for it, but beting open to it regardless.

I’m a day at a time guy. Yesterdays gone. Learn from it, but don’t dwell on it. Tomorrow’s not here. Plan for it, but don’t obsess about it. Today is here, and it’s pretty much the only real thing there is. So, whatever you have in that day, that moment, that’s life. That’s our real life.

I’ve got today, and I think I’ll take full advantage of it while it’s here.

Mobile Reefer?

This is a completely undoctored photo. I'm sure REEFER is some sort of HVAC reference, but it still made me laugh.

The trajectory of our lives

The last couple of days has been interesting. It's made me think more about how our lives trajectory can be so varied, and so different, than we imagined.

I'm sitting here in the hotel that I first sat in back in 87 when I interviewed at Apple Computer, about a 1/2 block up the street. Back then I was full of fire and passion for Apple and for technology. I was hired and I had a great time.

Here I am, 18 years later. Many of the people I worked with back then have gone on to great financial and personal success. Many are independently wealthy (some at an extreme level). Many are still just regular joes working for 'the man'. Some are just scraping buy.

I had a chance to sit down with one of these folks for a quick bite and a chat. He's in his mid 40's. He and I worked together for, I don't know, 3 years (?) on eWorld at Apple. He went on to form a startup (internet bandwidth manipulation hardware) and cashed out just before the bubble burst (well, cashed out 'enough') and kept the company going (it was 'real'.. i.e. not a flaky concept company as many where back then). He's now semi-retired, altough still active in his company by being on the board.

He's clearly a happy guy. Married. 3 great kids. Wonderful wife (who I also know). By all measures, a very successful liffe.

Another guy who I worked with, in the same group at the same time, about my age, and who should have been the guy (out of all of us at Apple during that time) that went on to mega-billions and global fame sort of flamed out. Lives in a condo in the Valley here. Runs a small consulting firm. Divorced. Single. Doing ok, nothing special. His work is the same stuff he was doing10 years ago when he left Apple, just smaller in scale. Although I didn't talk to him personally, several others who know us both have told me pretty much the same story. He cheated, got caught, got divorced, got fleeced and is now 'a regular guy' just living a life like everyone else.

Not so bad, really, but far far less than the dreams he had.

I'm sort of inbetween these two. Also had the dreams, never cashed out for millions, but I'm OK moneywise. Can't retire, but can be picky about what I do and not work for long stretches if I want. Like my friend above, I divorce (although for different reasons... one was she had already spent everything we had before the divorce, after the divorce was done I was better off than when I was married). But similar.

I passed on several startup opportunities, and several bigger company but still higher risk jobs that all would have put me into the 'very wealthy' area if I'd taken them over the trajectory I chose.

So, who's really happier? My rich buddy or my working but single and somewhat happy buddy?

Is having a family vs. not having a family directly related, somehow, to this wealth and happiness thing?

The evidence says: yes. If you're married with kids, and you've got your timing down reasonably well, you're much more likely to be one of the guys who cashes out at the right time and does the early retirement thing (or goes on to do REALLY big stuff, like what Google's doing right now.. creating, in effect, a privately owned, publically available global internet subnet).

I guess I just wonder if my trajectory, considering I'm an undisciplined college dropout, is one I'm really happy with.

pause.

All things considered. Yes. I am happy with how things are and where they're going. I have a fun consulting gig that pays well and doesn't control all my time. I have a startup company that's building a great product that I think can change the face of audio and eventually, video media and I work with some really interesting and fun people.

I don't want for anything material, but, I do miss my son and that family thing that I had a taste of, but didn't really get to fully experience. Now, at 47, it's really too late to start that one again. Yea, I know, I could, but I also know I wouldn't be happy doing it from scratch. I really do enjoy the freedom of being single and doing and going where I want when I want now. It's a trade off, certainly, but one I think is the right choice.

So, I continue on my original mission I set for myself decades ago: The leave this world just a little better than it was when I came into it.

And with that said.. off to another day of doing my best to make the world 'just a little better'.

;-)

Scott

Yea.. it really is a blur

Oddly.. this sign (in front of 1 Infinite Loop, the main Apple building in Cupertino) looks all blurry and out of focus all the time.. this is it's natural state.

Tt

1 Infinite Loop- The Center of the Known World (well, at least to Steve)

And here you have Mecca. Well, sort of. For those of you that are Apple Computer inclined, this is a view of the man entrance to 1 Infinite Loop.. the main Apple Campus. This is where your precious iPod was invented and where your operating system lives. Interestingly, as soon as I snapped this picture, a white jeep with rent a cop lights pulled up behind me told me to CUT IT OUT... even when I explained: hey.. I worked here for a decade and this is for my blog. He didn't care. Guess I'm going to learn some sort of super secret bit of knowledge by looking at the building from a quater mile away. Go figure.

10355 De Anza Six

Here's where my life at Apple started. Building six on the Apple Campus in Cupertino. I find myself, this week, in the area that I spent about 10 years of my life while working at Apple Computer. This is the building that I spent the first 5 years in. DeAnza Six. Interestingly, Apple was the most fun (and the first 5 years the most fun of my time at Apple) that I've had in my adult work life. There was more IQ per square foot at Apple in those days then anywhere on the planet. And more creativity. And, damn, more highly intelligent/educated beautiful (under 30, everyone's beautiful it seems) people that I can remember ever seeing anywhere. And, of course, we were all single and having sex in the stairwells between meetings.

Ahh.. life in Silicon Valley back in the good old days.